What is swinging?

Swinging is a form of consensual non-monogamy in which couples exchange partners for sexual encounters, usually with both partners participating and usually in a social setting. It is distinguished from other arrangements by that mutuality — both halves of the couple take part.

What the arrangement looks like

Swinging is the most socially organised form of consensual non-monogamy. It has venues, events, established etiquette and a vocabulary that regulars expect newcomers to learn. That infrastructure is the main practical difference from arrangements like hotwifing, which tend to be conducted privately between a couple and one other person.

Where it came from

The organised scene is usually traced to the United States in the 1950s and 60s, where it acquired the enduring and almost certainly apocryphal name 'wife swapping'. The claim that it began among US Air Force pilots in the 1940s is repeated everywhere and has never been substantiated by any contemporary source — it appears to be a story the scene told about itself. What is documented is a growing network of clubs and publications through the 1960s and 70s, and a substantial move online from the late 1990s.

The etiquette actually matters

Swinging has more unwritten rules than any adjacent practice, and newcomers who ignore them tend to have a bad time. The recurring ones:

• No means no, immediately and without explanation. Pressing after a refusal is the fastest way to be removed from a venue.
• Approach couples, not individuals. In most scenes it is expected that you talk to both people.
• Women generally initiate. Not universal, but common enough that ignoring it reads as inexperience.
• Say what you are open to up front. Soft swap, full swap, same room only — stating it early prevents the awkward version of the conversation later.
• Discretion is assumed. Who you saw stays where you saw them. This is taken extremely seriously.

How it sits alongside the rest

Swinging is the mutual version of what hotwifing does asymmetrically. Where it overlaps most is in being watched and watching, both of which are ordinary parts of a same-room encounter. It relies on the same emotional mechanism as everything else here — compersion, the capacity to take pleasure in a partner's pleasure.

Common questions

What is the difference between swinging and hotwifing?

Participation. In swinging, both partners are involved with other people. In hotwifing, only the woman is, and her partner's role is to know, encourage or watch. Many couples do both, but the words describe different arrangements.

What is a soft swap?

A soft swap is an exchange that stops short of penetrative sex — usually kissing, touching or oral, often in the same room. A full swap includes intercourse. Most clubs and events expect couples to state which they are open to, and 'soft swap only' is a completely ordinary thing to say.

Is swinging the same as polyamory?

No. Swinging is generally sexual rather than romantic; polyamory involves multiple romantic relationships. Swingers often draw the line firmly at emotional attachment, which polyamorous people build their relationships around.

How do couples get into it?

Most commonly through clubs, organised events, or lifestyle apps and sites. The near-universal advice from experienced couples is to attend somewhere social first without doing anything, on the grounds that the scene is easier to understand from inside than to imagine from outside.

What is a unicorn?

A single woman, usually bisexual, sought by couples. The term is mildly ironic about how rarely one appears on a given couple's terms. Single men are far more numerous and, in most scenes, find access considerably harder.